Losing Faith
By Mickey

STORY STATUS: Completed 8/9/06

ARCHIVE PERMISSIONS: Ask first. I'll probably say yes.

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for fun and I sure as hell didn't get paid for writin' it. No copyright infringement intended.

WORD COUNT: 712


Again, the first thing I see is a blinding white light.

Another walk down the same corridors.

Another slide down the floor/wall and I'm back in the cell. I walk carefully to the other side and look up. They're gone. So is the woman, Shallan. I finally remember her name. I can't tell Baal that, but I'm scared to death that I will.

I touch the wall with my fists then my head, still for just a moment. Then I turn and slide down until I'm sitting on the floor. It was so tempting to slam my head in to the wall, to bash my brains out until I lose consciousness and die. But what good would that do? I know it won't be long before they come back. They'd just scoop me up, along with my brain matter, and throw me back in that life-draining box. They won't let me stay dead long enough for it to be permanent.

Yeah, yeah, I know. It brings you back to life. But it also drains your life from you each time you go in it because it kills a piece of who you are and keeps doing it until there's nothing left.

You said it yourself, Daniel.

"It can regenerate you body, make you strong enough to go through that all over again, but all that time it's destroying who you are."

You said you wouldn't let that happen. I'm sorry. I can't do the glowing thing. You know that.

You said you'd be back. You promised.

When they said promises were made to be broken, I don't think this is quite what they had in mind.

Where the hell are you, Daniel?

You said you couldn't just sit by and watch him torture me. I never dreamed that meant you'd take off and leave me alone.

You said you wouldn't let him destroy me. Well, he's doing a damn good job of it.

Hell, sick as the thought of actually doing it makes me, I'm very close to the point where I'll get in front of a camera and proclaim to every world there is that Bocce is, in fact, a god if it would end this eternal suffering.

Come on Jonas. Put that `Frasier says I'm so much smarter than you' brain of yours to work. Between you and Carter, you're smarter than just about everybody else on that damn base put together.

And you, T, you were in the service of Apophis for a long time, buddy. You have to have some idea of how to get me the hell out of this place.

I'm losing faith here people. I didn't have much of a soul left before Kanan dragged me here. How much more do you think I can lose and still be me?

I won't be the only one he destroys, Daniel. I'm close to the edge. I can feel it. When I go, she goes with me because I'll spill. God, I don't want to. Just the thought of it makes me sick, but I'm only human for crying out loud! I am not a god damn machine!

You know it's bad when my four months in Iraq are starting to look like a pleasant little stay in nice little resort.

I haven't slept at all the whole time I've been here.

I don't even close my eyes anymore. Every time I do I see acid and knives and a malevolent smile on the face of a monster hiding in some poor schmucks head.

Last time I saw it, it was her on the receiving end. That was the last time I shut my eyes.

I can't even tell if that was days ago or just a few hours. Could have been twenty minutes ago for all I know anymore. I don't even know how long I've been here.

I'm not sure I want to know.

Pretty soon, I won't care.

About anything.

Don't let this happen. You can stop this, Daniel.

End this. Not just for me, but for the innocent woman who will suffer for that son-a-bitch Kanan's actions.

I hear the heavy clomping of boots again and get into position.

Last chance.

You know, Daniel, I'm not the only one who's a stupid son-a-bitch.


THE END